Well, here we go again. I'll start with a little background. I - am a quitter. It seems to be what I do best. Now, don't get me wrong, I do a LOT of stuff... but big goals, life changes - things like that. Yeah... I usually start STRONG, get SO excited, get ALL ramped up, buy ALL the right things. Then - you guessed it - I fizzle. I falter, I give up, I quit, I peter out - whatever you want to call it. I usually quit. My most current failure was quite impressive, I must say, even by my standards! Last summer - during the Summer Olympics - I got motivated in a real way to get back down a few pounds (okay, I need to get back down more than a *few*, but I am trying not to discourage myself too much! LOL) So I started walking on my treadmill. My first goal was just 10 days in a row. Even *I* could do that, right?? Well, I did! Woo hoo. 10 days! So, I set my next "goal" for 2 weeks - every day. Did that! So, I made the mistake of thinking bigger! Could I do three weeks?? I thought I could - so I did! I found an app for my phone that let me make an "X" on each day I was a good girl. Yeah, like a kindergartner. Works for them, guess it works for me. So, I thought a little bigger... I have always wanted to participate in the Gate River Run here in Jacksonville - which sounds totally bizarre if you know me - I am about the *least* athletic person I know! But, it's on my bucket list - so I thought *maybe* just maybe, if I stayed on track, I could be ready to do the River Run. It's 15K, 9 or so miles. It's not until March - I can surely be ready by then! So I mention this to my cousin Jess... then she says..."well, there's this other race in Disney that would be SO much fun!" Hmmm, sounds interesting - tell me more! So, she starts to tell my about the "Disney Princess Half-Marathon". You get to wear a costume, you run through parts of Magic Kingdom and Epcot - how much FUN does that sound like!??? Yes, let's do it!! It will be a blast!! It's only August, we have PLENTY of time to train and prepare! We can encourage each other, help each other train, be really READY. Wait...!!!! Did you say "Half-Marathon"??? Um... sure - okay, if I think I can be ready to do 9 miles by March, surely I could do 13.1 by the next February right?? Well, she says, "No, let's do this in 2013! Um,
before March?? "Yup!", she says with all the confidence in my that someone might have not knowing what a quitter I am! So, I think it over - I start to get excited and I think... "maybe we can do it"... maybe, just maybe - if I just keep doing what I am already doing - I *can* be ready! So, I get excited! I buy new shoes. We start to talk about costumes and plane tickets (because she'll have to fly down) and we talk some more! We get bold, we sign up! I talk my sister and my daughter into joining us - they sign up... we really ARE going to do this. I start to think in my head that I can. I am still training! I am still on that damn treadmill EVERY single day. For EIGHTY-FIVE days straight, I am on that treadmill, faithfully - determined. Then it happens. I remember I am a quitter. I miss one day. That's it - I miss just ONE day. I have a ton of reasonable excuses. I have two jobs. I work full-time during the day at a Foster Care agency. It is November and I am trying to arrange Christmas gift giving for 39 Foster children. I work part-time for a software company - at home, at night. We launch a new version of our software. I am working like crazy, and I am tired... and I ain't no Spring Chicken any more either! So, I miss a day... who cares, I can pick back up tomorrow. But tomorrow, I remember that I remembered that I am a quitter. So I take one more day off. I have earned it, I am working my ass off. I am tired, I am ahead of the game still - and I have 85 days in a row under my belt. But... one day turns into 5 - then 10, then two weeks... and just like that, I have quit. I quit on my goal, I quit on myself, I quit on everyone else too. I made all kinds of excuses! I fibbed - "sure I am on it", "sure I am getting right back to it"... "sure, no worries, we still have four months" - no problem. Well, there's one problem. I am a quitter, remember?? That *IS* what I do best. So, my four months left turns into 3, then 2, then 30 days then a week... then a day. Well, the BIG day arrives, I feel like a fraud. Some people have worked SO hard to get here. Jess has trained like a MAD WOMAN to get here. She has FOUR little kids and does her runs. My sister who is about as athletic as me has been walking and training too! *I* am the only one who gave up. So, we get up, get dressed and get ready in the middle of the night on the BIG DAY. The only thing I know I will prove today is that I am a quitter. Jess is ready - she is a corral ahead, she is determined, she is focused and she has been training for this moment. She is beside herself with excitement. I feel like a fraud. My sister is worried that she won't be able to go the distance at the required pace. Well, no worries, I am the Queen of the Quitters, I will be behind you all the way! So, we see the fireworks as each corral starts their race. I am in the back corral, I feel like I belong behind the back - you know... with the quitters. It comes to our time. I see the fireworks, I hear the music in my ear from my iPod. It is peppy, it is motivating, it is specifically chosen for the pace I need to keep. Yeah - well, nothing could overcome my Professional Quitterness on this day. I start out actually doing okay. I am a fast walker. I manage to keep pace for a couple of miles. Then I notice that all I am seeing is people passing me. Old princesses, fat princesses, old AND fat princesses. Yup, they all pass me. I hear them talking to each other, encouraging each other - no one can encourage me. I know what the outcome of today will be. I will quit. I always do. It's what I do best. I start to fall behind the required pace. I start to kick myself. I start to mentally abuse myself. I come to realize today will end exactly as I predicted. I will not finish the race. Well, not on foot anyway. I come nearly to the next mile marker. They have been saying for the last mile - that "you are behind pace - there will be a pick-up at the next mile marker"... um, gee, I think I can figure that one out. I know. I am about to do what I do best anyway. I am ready to quit. So, I round the next corner, and I see it. The bus. THE bus. The SWEEPER bus. You know the Quitter Express. Some people are upset, some people are MAD, some are crying. Not me, I knew this is how it would end. I get on the bus. I have proven to myself - I am a quitter. The Quitter Bus is my ride to the end of the race. I feel like a fool getting off the bus. I take my medal, I paid for it, but I didn't earn it. I love it, but it will remind me I am a quitter. I wear it and walk around the other people that have run their race and made it to the finish line already. The right way. The FINISHER way. I took the Quitter way and it feels horrible. I am mad at myself. I didn't set an unrealistic goal, I just quit. I had plenty of time to get ready, I was *DOING* it - until I quit. As I waited at the finish line with my sister - who made it a mile further than me... I felt like a fraud. I was standing there with my medal around my neck... but it felt like an anchor. It didn't feel good. My birthday is this week... I am turning 47. I am older and heavier... and I am still a quitter. I watch and wait for Jess. More runners, walkers FINISH... the Old Princesses, the Fat Princesses, the Old AND Fat Princesses. So many of them finish. So many of them just kept going - they didn't quit - they didn't give up for anything! Why can't I be like them?? I finally see Jess and she is BEAMING from ear to ear as she approaches us. She is on a HIGH like you wouldn't believe. She FINISHED - she DID it. She overcame huge obstacles and roadblocks to get here and she EARNED her medal. We talked about how participating is great, how good it feels to be a part of it. That's crap. It sucks to be a loser, it sucks more to be a quitter. I didn't come in last...
that would have felt better. I am TIRED of being a quitter.
My birthday was yesterday. Today, I am promising myself - that this will be the year I decide to STOP BEING A QUITTER. I really CAN do it. I really WANT to do it. We already decided we are DOING the race again next year. Next year I WILL FINISH. We bought shoes already!!!
Let's get to it and see how it goes!
I will keep my stats on here to keep track of my progress, and for everyone to see.
I am deciding TODAY to STOP BEING A QUITTER.
WEIGHT: 235lbs.
TRAINING TIME: 30 min
TRAINING DISTANCE:
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SO - I decided to go! I did it even though I almost had myself talked into skipping just ONE MORE day!! I only did two miles - but I felt great just getting out of the car - summoning up my courage to walk through the door and just do it! There were people running on the treadmill - and I think maybe it might motivate me to be out and doing my work with other people around. Seeing other people older than me, bigger than me, smaller than me and faster than me might just be the kick in the pants I needed to get moving and STAY moving. That's all I have to do is stay moving. A little more every day and then I will be in good shape and closer to my goal each day! So today - was a good day and tomorrow will be another good day. Smarter choices just a little at a time and hopefully I will look back in a few weeks and have some time & distance behind me! So, the hardest part is done - because STARTING is hard!
is the first day... the rest will be easier!! It is hardest to just get started. Once you have started, you are only doing something again - not starting something new! So - again - I am trying to just get going - and this time STAY GOING. I don't want to be a quitter any more - I want to be fitter. I am tired of being fatter. I don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore and I don't want to be an embarrassment to anyone else any more either. I want to show up to Ben's concert in SIX WEEKS and have him be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself. I would like TEN pounds to be gone. I would like to say I have a good number of working/walking days behind me! So the HARDEST day is done. On to tomorrow. From Struggle to Strength.
